The Parent Declarants
Estrangement can be an awkward conversation.
Sometimes we get into situations where we are asked ot think on our feet
and communicate in real time. We may be having a chat with someone
who didn't realize we were estranged. Or, we may be in a conversation
with someone who knows that we are estranged, but is acting like they don't know.
We may be talking with someone who is both compassioned and curious.
We may let it slip without intention and then feel that the other person is judging us.
We may be in a conversation with a mutual of our EC., or we may be
actually speaking to our prodigal EC. Please note that this is not therapeutic advice.
This is a repository of possible responses that you can tailor at your discretion.
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It is a good strategy to have rehearsed communication that empowers and equips.
This way, when we find these situations, we can be clear about our boundaries,
succinctly saying only what needs to be said, and communicating reasonable expectations.
Stock responses prepare you to handle interactions with others as it relates to your estrangement.
As always, tailor them to fit your personal situation.
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WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO YOUR ADULT CHILDREN WHO ARE THREATENING NO CONTACT
"I understand the role that I have played that causes you to need distance to help sort out your emotions."
"Please know that I am fully ready and able to take accountability."
"I want to do what I need to do to be the best parent you need me to be."
"I am sincerely sorry that you are to a point that you have to consider this very painful decision."
"If you decide to go no contact, I will respect your boundaries, even if I wish I could change the outcome."
"I am open to going to therapy and would love to know the behaviors that I need to work on."
"I am open to going to therapy, either alone, or with you."
"You have every right to make the decision to go no contact, and that will never change my love for you."
"I may not like your no contact decision, but I respect your autonomy to make that decision."
"If you believe that no contact is your only choice, I have no choice but to honor that decision."
"I sincerely wish for you every happiness, even if that means happiness means that I am not included."
"You have been, and will always be, the greatest decision of my life, even if we are estranged."
"I understand that you need to deal with trauma, but I hope that you will take the entirety of your childhood
into consideration as you process your emotions. Focus on healing the hard parts, but don't forget
the good parts, just for your own mental health."
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WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS ABOUT YOUR NO CONTACT CHILD
"I am very sad that my EC decided to go no contact. I will give them the space that they have asked for."
"Yes, I sincerely tried to do all that I could to salvage the relationship, but they are not in that space right now."
"No, please don't call them and try to see if you can make things better. Let's respect their boundary."
"Yes, I am in the process of/have already taken accountability and have/will apologize."
"No, I am not going to keep texting or calling. I don't know if I'm blocked, but I'm not crossing boundaries."
"My silence doesn't mean that I do not care. My silence means that I am learning to grow."
"There are no sides to take and I would appreciate it if we didn't look at it that way."
"Yes, I am hurt, angry, scared, and disappointed, all of the natural emotions when you are grieving a loss."
"No, I am not sure if this will be repaired or if we will reconcile. In the meantime, I'm working on me."
"I would appreciate it if you wouldn't say that my child was an entitled brat or having a tantrum."
"No, my EC will not be attending an event/holiday, but we can still make great memories together."
"Thank you for letting me know my EC will be there. Out of respect, I am going to step back and not attend."
"Yes, I miss my grandchildren, but I am not their parent and have to defer to their decisions and wishes."
"You have such a good heart, but large family events where we are forced to be together are not the time
to either bring up estrangement or to try to reconcile us. I would not want either of us, especially my
estranged child, to feel that it's a set up."
WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER/SON-IN-LAW WHO MAY HAVE
PLAYED A PART IN THE ESTRANGEMENT
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"No, this is not what I would have wanted, but I must honor my son/daughter's choice of partners."
"Yes, I am hurt because I have been ostracized, but dwelling on it won't change it."
"Yes, I have tried to reach out and work on it, but our personalities are very dissimilar right now."
"I honor the decisions that my son/daughter makes that is pertinent to their own nuclear family."
"I did see the pictures of everyone at the event and it looked like they had a great time!"
"I don't think I will get to see them on birthday/holiday, but I will hold a card for them when they're ready."
"I will not state if they are toxic or negatively influence the situation. Their values are just different than mine."
"I am not in a position to advocate for my presence in their life at this time. Maybe that will change someday."
"I sincerely hope that their marriage/relationship is strong and enduring, even if I am not a part of it."
"Things changed when so-and-so came into our lives and I was unprepared for that dynamic."
"I will not break their boundary. They are a couple, and as such, their decisions are unified."
"I cannot be responsible for what happens in their relationship or for their decision's consequences."
WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO SOMEONE WHO DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE ESTRANGED
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"I am so sorry that you were not aware that my EC and I are estranged. I appreciate your empathy."
"I'm sorry you didn't know, but out of respect for our privacy during this very painful time, we stay silent."
"I appreciate your offer to be there for me. I appreciate your confidence when I take you up on that offer."
"I know that the estrangement is shocking to you. I am still reeling from what this has done to my family."
"I don't know the specifics of why they chose to estrange. I just have to honor their decision."
"I do know the specifics of their decision, but it would be unfair to them for me to discuss that."
"My estrangement discourages me in ways that no one will understand. Thank you for your grace."
"Unfortunately, fighting for my child is only going to push them away. I am just working on me now."
"No, I did not abuse my child. The definitions of abuse like you and I understand is not their definition."
"I know that this is very concerning to you and I hope that this does not negatively affect us."
"I cannot allow myself to discuss warning signs. I'm still working through the details prior to no contact."
"Thank you for forwarding me screenshots of their socials, but that is really hard for me to see right now."
"The decision to be estranged is a failure of the relationship and the responsibility is on both of us."
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WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO ANOTHER PARENT WHO IS JUDGMENTAL/CONDESCENDING
"I rejoice in the fact that you do not have to negotiate with the level of pain that I am experiencing."
"I celebrate that your kids would never do this to you. Estrangement is not always referendum."
"I never thought it would happen to me either, yet here I am, wading through a terrifying unknown."
"With all respect, it's very easy to make sideline suggestions, but they're not helpful to me right now."
"I live in a world where people make mistakes, and then people have to figure out how to clean that up."
"If grace and understanding is not something that you can offer, let's discuss something else."
"Thank you for not discussing your evaluation of my very personal and private pain."
"I was, and still am, a good parent, regardless of my child's decisions to not have contact."
"No contact does not mean that I was a bad parent. It means that we're not ready for adult relationship."
"I don't focus on how long it has been. I focus on how I can best live my life in the present moment."
"I love my child. My love is not measured by how much I interact with them."
"Like a horrible diagnosis, you cannot begin to walk in my shoes until you put them on and tie them tight."
"It's very helpful to estranged parents to not be judged. We do that enough all day long in our own thoughts."
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WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A SOLUTION (E.G., THERAPY, PRAYER, BOOKS)
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"I am thankful you are trying to help, but dealing with estrangement is intensely personal."
"Thank you for respecting that my decision to go to therapy, or not, is a private medical decision."
"I know that God loves me, and I my relationship with God right now needs to be intensely personal."
"Thank you for praying for me. I would prefer if you lifted them directly to Him, or with me in private."
"I will be sure to consider that book/podcast/blog. I know that you care and just want to help."
"You are so kind to want to partner with me in this, but unfortunately, the parent walks alone on this one."
"I am finding it hard to trust therapy when a therapist convinced my EC that I am forever unforgivable."
"This needs to begin with me. If there is a time for me to go to therapy with my EC, I will consider it."
"God does work things out for His good, but right now this doesn't feel good at all and I need faith."
"I do not equate my estrangement to God punishing me for my sins. That is not the God I love."
"Repentance is intensely personal and how and what I ask forgiveness for is between God and I."
"Thank you for the scripture/quote/sticker. I know that you want to uplift my spirit in this painful season."
"If I chose to discontinue therapy, it doesn't mean that I gave up on my child. I am exploring modalities."
"I appreciate you wanting to find solutions and I recognize that your heart agrees with me that this is wrong."
"What would really be helpful to me right now is a moment to just be with me, not attempts at solutions."
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HOW TO RESPOND WHEN AN EC SAYS "I DIDN'T ASK TO BE BORN!"
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"I understand consent is an issue for you, but that is not something that we can undo at this point."
"I'm not sure anyone actually gives consent to be born. It just happens and you do the best you can."
"No, you didn't ask to be born, but I wanted you with every single ounce of my being."
"I know you didn't ask, but I didn't like the alternative. I wanted you so I could love you."
"Maybe not, but you need to know that I loved you from every single moment I knew you were coming."
"I interpret this as you are feeling powerlessness. How can I help you overcome that?"
"You're right, but you're here and I care deeply about how you are feeling."
"Even though you didn't ask to be born, I want to help you find reasons that make you glad you are."
"None of us get to choose birth, but we get to choose who we get to become."
"You may not have consented, but you were created in love and you have a purpose."
"No one gives consent, but it does neither of us any good to remain on a point we cannot change."
"How can we work together to transmute the resentment of being here against your will?"
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HOW TO RESPOND TO WHEN AN EC SAYS THAT YOU NEED TO TAKE ACCOUNTABILITY
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"Of course. Can you please be more specific about what accountability means to you?"
"I want every opportunity to make amends for how I've hurt you, but I need some direction to start."
"Absolutely. And please regard my commitment to take accountability is because you matter to me."
"I will absolutely own up to my mistakes. I was not perfect. But I'm also not psychic, and I need more info."
"Please write down/email me when you have a clearer understanding of the accountability you expect."​
"I am honored to do it and I hope that you will allow me the privilege of explaining myself in that process."
"I am willing to take accountability, but please be available at your discretion when I am ready to share."
"Taking accountability is important to both of us. Let's not close the door until this process is complete."
"I understand that you feel I did some things wrong. Please share what those things are."
"I can't take authentic and meaningful accountability until you provide some feedback as to your feelings."
"If you mean 'Be forever blamed and unforgiven,' no. If you mean 'responsible and understood,' yes."
"I am open to that, of course. How are you envisioning the next steps after that happens?"
"I'm going to need to pause because I'm not getting enough information to make this worth it for you."
"Yes, I will take accountability, and maybe let's discuss how what that looks like in the future."
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HOW TO RESPOND WHEN AN EC SAYS THAT YOU DIDN'T VALIDATE THEIR FEELINGS
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"I apologize for minimizing your experience. That was not my intent. Will you share again?"
"My intent is never to invalidate your feelings or your experience, even if that is what ultimately happened."
"I apologize for not validating you when you needed it. I'm still unsure where you are in your growth."
"The feelings of everyone in this situation matters, especially yours."
"I am sorry I did't get it right and assumed that you were secure in your own internal validation."
"I am always here to validate your feelings, but it's helpful to me if you communicate if that's what you need."
"Please help me to understand what I did or said that was perceived as invalidating."
"Please understand that it's my instinct to help and I'm sorry if you perceived that as dismissive."
"Sometimes a parent's intention is to alleviate what is causing the feeling so that my child feels secure."
"I am still unsure as to when you need me to validate a feeling or solve a problem. Help me to understand."
"I'm sorry that I didn't appropriately respond to your feelings last year. Let's address these things as they
happen so that my perspective and recollection is fresh."
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HOW TO RESPOND WHEN AN EC BRINGS UP THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN THE DISTANT PAST
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"I appreciate that you have thought about this, but why haven't you brought it up before?"
"I understand that you are reframing that experience with a new adult perspective. Please explain."
"I undertand your perspective, but we need to agree that both of our perspectives can be correct."
"It must be challenging to go back to try and understand your childhood interpretations of adult situations"
"I can see how you felt unsafe and unseen during that time. May I please explain the adult context?"
"I don't want you to think that I would not apologize for the past if it is important to you."
"Could you explain why you didn't feel that you could have shared this with me sooner?"
"How did you come to remember this situation, feeling, scenario? That will help me understand."
"Has this been bothering you all this time, or did this just resurface?"
"How will working through this past incident help you, or us, to move forward?"
"I would love to talk about this, but this deserves more attention than I can give right now. Let's schedule."
HOW TO RESPOND WHEN AN EC LABELS YOU TOXIC OR A NARCISSIST
"I understand that this is how you perceive me and I am truly sorry that this is your perception of me."
"It would be helpful for my journey if you could explain what behaviors are toxic to you."
"It would be helpful for my journey if you could explain what behaviors are considered narcissistic."
"I want to understand your definitions of these very serious terms. Please explain."
"Those are really strong labels. Can we just pause so I can understand where this is coming from?"
"I am 100% open to a real conversation, but I am not open to unfounded namecalling."
"I would like to respond with grace and humility, but not to be torn down with diagnoses."
"May I ask what led you to conclude that I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder?"
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a very difficult condition. Why do you think I have this diagnosis?"
"I know that I am imperfect, but I don't think it's fair to impose a diagnosis on me without evaluation."
"I think we are both deserving of time and space before we can discuss your concerns further."
HOW TO RESPOND WHEN YOUR EC SAYS THAT YOU WERE ABUSIVE
"I understand that abuse has a wider definition in your generation. Can you please explain?"
"This is a very serious accusation. Could you explain what you consider abusive?"
"I have no intention of dismissing your experience, but I need clarification on what you mean."
"If I've hurt you, I will take that seriously. I need to pause and reflect on this accusation."
"I understand your need to use that word toward me, but I won't allow it to silence or control me."
"If this is an accusation that is meant to inflict harm, then we are not in a position to discuss it."
"How do you validate that you have experienced abuse due to my words or actions?"
"When I hear the word abuse, I get defensive because I think of extreme and severe harm."
"Abuse is an emotionally loaded word and means different things to different people. Please explain."
"Abuse to me means physical harm or intentional cruelty. By that definition, I did not abuse you."
"If I made you feel hurt, disappointed, or unsafe, let's discuss those specifics instead.
HOW TO RESPOND WHEN YOUR EC IS GIVING ULTIMATUMS BUT CALLING THEM BOUNDARIES
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"I want to respect the boundary you have set for yourself, but this is an ultimatum which controls me."
"This boundary feels somewhat more about controlling my choices than protecting your space."
"Are you open to talking about what we both need, and not just what I'm being told to do?"
"I want to understand what you're protecting, so let's meet in the middle without ultimatums."
"I respect your boundary, but I am not comfortable being told how I need to act to be accepted."
"I respect your need for boundaries, but I do not respect your need to punish others."
"I'm not in a space where I can agree to this under pressure. Let's take some time and space."
"Please share with me how this boundary helps to protect you and what it's protecting you from."
"Let's take a break and consider our own boundaries, then we will meet again to discuss when we're calm."
"I hear what you're saying. If I don't do X then Y will happen. That sounds like consequences to me."
"Healthy boundaries are designed to create clarity, not fear or control."
"I think we both deserve to feel safe and respected in this relationship. Let's pause until we can do that."
"If your relationship with me depends on my compliance, that's not a relationship, that's control."
"I appreciate that you're working on boundaries. Healthy ones state your limits, not demand obedience."
"I will be happy to respect a healthy iteration of your boundaries, responding with honesty, not pressure."
HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SOMEONE IS THREATENING YOU WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT​
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"I have not engaged in anything illegal or threatening. I will cooperate fully with law enforcement."
"I choose to remain calm in this situation and will continue to do so until this is settled."
' "You’re free to contact the police if you believe something unlawful has happened."
"I have not done anything wrong and I won't be intimidated by the threat of law enforcement."
"I see this as an attempt to intimidate me, and I am truly sorry that this has escalated to that degree."
"I reserve the right to protect myself when I am being falsely accused and threatened with enforcement."
"If you sincerely believe that I've done something illegal, please contact them. I have nothing to hide."
"I am going to start documenting this incident for my own safety."
"I am aware of my options when false reports, defamation of my character, and harassment occur."
"I am sorry that you feel the need to escalate this situation to such an unnecessary degree."
"It is not my intent to threaten you. Is it your intent to intimidate me?"
"It is not okay to weaponize law enforcement to silence, harass, or falsely accuse in a civil matter."
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HOW TO RESPOND WHEN YOUR EC USES WORDS LIKE SCAPEGOAT, GOLDEN CHILD, BLACK SHEEP,
MOTHER WOUND, TRAUMA BOND, ETC.
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"I appreciate your use of modern psychology terms, but let's focus on behaviors and not labels."
"Labeling can deter us from understanding one another. Can you please explain what you mean?"
"I've heard those terms used generally before. How are they applicable in our situation?"
"Can we try to talk about our feelings in a way that is easier for me to follow/understand?"
"I understand that these are important concepts to some people, but I'm focused on our needs."
"Labels are important, but what is more important to me is how we treat each other."
"Those ideas are important, but what can we do to make this better between us?"
"As much as I appreciate the work that you have done, can we talk like 'regular' people?"
"These terms are important to you, but they make it harder for me to understand your thoughts/feelings."
"I'm not comfortable with labeling each other. Let's discuss facts and not assign blame."
"This sounds very complex. Perhaps we would benefit from a professional's help?"
"I tend to misunderstand when conversations get lost in labels. Let's discuss feelings."
"Labeling yourself limits that experience for others. Let's put those aside to validate all in this equation."
"Having words to understand relationship dynamics do not equate to improving those dynamics, which
is what I am wholly invested in."
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COMMON BAITING PHRASES AND ACTIONS AND HOW TO RESPOND
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EC howing up at a place where they know you'll be just to get a reaction.
Consider: "Hey how are you! Please enjoy your evening" or a simple smile and wave. Do not interact.
EC claiming that you're always playing the victim , or the statement "Stop playing the victim."
Consider: "Sadly, the reality of estrangement is that everyone is the victim, including
those on the outside looking in."
EC stating "You're the problem" or "You're the one who causes all these problems."
Consider: "I am willing to take appropriate accountability, but I will not be blamed without a real
conversation."
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EC stating "I don't owe you anything. You owe me everything."
Consider: "I am willing to take full responsibility for how my words and behaviors negatively
impacted this relationship, but I also believe that healthy relationships require that respect goes
both ways." Another option: "It hurts to hear that. I’m open to healing this relationship, but not if it means
being punished forever for the past.”
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EC stating "I'm done pretending that I had a real relationship with you."
Consider: "I’m heartbroken to hear that. It may not have felt real to you, but my love for you
has always been real. I’m still here if you ever want to talk honestly and gently." Another option:
"Maybe it didn’t feel real to you, but I gave what I had to give, even when I didn’t know what you
needed. I’m willing to hear your truth if we can speak respectfully."
Claiming "My therapist says you're toxic (or abusive, or narcissistic) too."
Consider: "I understand you're working through a lot in therapy and I applaud you for that
journey. However, I do not accept labels coming from a trained professional who has neither
included me in your therapy sessions, nor treated me as a client in a one-on-one." Another
option: "A therapist can help you explore your feelings, but they haven’t heard my side or lived
our full story. I’m willing to take responsibility for any harm I caused, but I can’t agree with being
defined by someone I’ve never met."
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Deliberate noninclusion in a family event, or being treated disrespectfully when attending:
Consider: "It’s painful to be left out of something so important. I know things haven’t been easy
between us, but I still care deeply and hope that one day we can move toward healing.” Another
option: “I came with the hope of connection, not to be humiliated or dismissed. I think that I need
to remove myself to preserve my self-respect and protect my peace.”
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HOW TO RESPOND WHEN THE EC USE THE GRANDCHILDREN AS BAIT, WAVERING NO CONTACT
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“I love the grandkids deeply, and it breaks my heart to be in and out of their lives. But I can’t keep being
pulled in and pushed out—it’s too painful. If you’d like to reestablish contact, I hope it can be
something more respectful so that the grandchildren have a consistent message from the adults.”
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"I’ve been willing to show up each time the door opens, but I realize now I need to step back until
there's a clearer, more stable invitation. I’ll always love the grandkids, and I’m here if and when
things are ready to change. However, I need to take a step back because I am concerned about
how the volatility of my presence and subsequent absence is affecting their ability to trust.”
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"I love the kids deeply, and I know you want what’s best for them too. But the constant shift in
boundaries—being allowed into their lives, then suddenly shut out again—isn’t just hard on me,
it’s confusing and unsettling for them. Kids need consistency to feel safe and secure. I want to
be a stable, positive presence in their lives, not part of a cycle that might hurt them emotionally.
If we can agree on something steady and respectful, I’m here. But I don’t think it’s healthy for any of
us to keep repeating this back-and-forth."